Don't Break My Heart

Another night out. Another lover added to the list. I had already made it to the international club. This time it didn't matter. The frustration of not having someone in my bed just to wake up to had led me to ask the direct question: "Would you like to spend the night with me in my flat, no sex, no kissing, just you sleeping in bed next to me. I need someone to spend the night with. I don't want to wake up alone tomorrow. Give it a try, won't you?"

It had worked. And I woke up to the sunlight at around 5 am. My head ached. I craved a cigarette. My flat was quiet. The Saturday morning light blinded my brown eyes. I never lowered the blinds because I was afraid my cats would destroy them. 

I felt something warm next to me. I didn't even bother to look at the person sleeping next to me. I had accomplished something I had been longing for too much. Yet I felt empty. I felt like a cheat. It felt wrong. I felt like if I had cheated destiny. It didn't feel right. I had coerced an unsuspecting someone into fulfilling a fantasy, a dark dream. I felt like a vampire. I felt dirty. Even if i had not done anything carnal. I felt like if I wanted to die. I had desired this for way too long. It felt wrong.

I stood up and moved quietly towards the kitchen. I was ready to brew coffee. The morning coffee. I hesitated. I was not ready nor willing to do it this time. It was a move I didn't feel right that morning. So I crept into the bathroom like a shadow escaping the light. 

I closed the door shut. I sighed. "If I Was Your Vampire" by Marilyn Manson started playing in my head.

"This is where it starts.

This is where it will end.

Here comes the moon again."

"This is not what I want my life to be all about", I thought while washing my face with ice-cold water. I took a look at the mirror and I saw the sad me reflected in my brown eyes. I saw the sadness. I saw myself. I didn't want this.

I must have stared at myself for way to long that by the time I left the bathroom, I was alone with my cats and  my face was sporting an empty smile.

17.02.2014

Immanuel Kant

Ephemeral, Something Missing

I opened my eyes. I was in the darkness of my mother's house. I couldn't tell the time. It was dark and the only things I could see where the shapes of the furniture that had been unmoved since her passing.

The air had a particular smell. I remembered that scent. I managed to go upstairs without tripping over anything. I was careful and I was afraid I would know something down and break it.

I reached my mother's bedroom. I didn't have to open the door as she never did. The doors to her room were always open. This time was not the exception The doors were wide open as she had never left. 

It had been many years since I had been in this place. So many memories. So much love. So much I couldn't move. 

Tears began rolling down my eyes. I reached for the lights. I was in the toilet. On the floor. And I was so sad. So many thing I would have liked to tell her. if only I had known that she would leave me. If I had known that, what would I have said, or done to make her happier. 

I lit a cigarette. I needed to smoke to make myself feel at least a little bit better.

A fire erupted from my zippo. It engulfed all the memories and thoughts I had been having. The fire consumed all my suffering and all the longing for being there and when it ended I had been born again. And she was there to hold my hand again. She put my head on her chest. And her heart I heard and felt.

Hrms Etc

17.2.2014

Let Me Out

"All my friends are embryonic

All my friends are dead and gone

All my friends are microscopic

All my friends wake up alone"

Hole's song began shaking the walls of the bar. The crowd continued to drink. Beer is often a powerful medicine that allows the quiet to interact in ways no one could expect expect. 

"Gutless...you're gutless

You're gutless...you're gutless"

Love continued to roar through the sound system. 

I was in good company, like most of the times I went out to drown myself in booze. Unlike the rest of them there, drinking as an outlet, was not for me to numb my shyness but to dull the voices in my head. Unlike being in high school and drinking to get fucked up, I learned to drink to get to that state of mind in which I am mostly relaxed. At time quiet and observant.Yet thoughtful and disguised in the shadows of the world.

Courtney's song faded in the blackness of Melodka, the bar I was at that night. 

My companions were almost as thirsty as I was. Another round of beer and Jager appeared on our table and I lit another cigarette. I puffed on it and I exhale a large ever-changing cloud of grey nothingness. And I killed the shot of booze sitting next to my beer in a sigh.

It had been a long day. It had been a tough day. So I went to empty myself from all the voices, booze and urine. And then I was ready to do it again. I was free and I was feeling good.

Coldwell 

28.01.14

Secular Haze

Satanic music played in the sound system. Hypnotic lullabies chanting charming blackness. People in the bar looked sleek and the beer was good.

"As the parish sighs in smoke

Enters the lady revealed of cloak

To the haunting sound of the monstrance clock"

Ghost sang and sang as I drowned myself in booze. The conversation at the table was somewhat uneventful. Harsh politic remarks, religion and the same shit that had become a regular thing to be brought up for many years now. I sat still and continued to drink.

"Come together, together as a one

Come together for Lucifer’s son

Come together, together as a one

Come together for Lucifer’s son"

"Are you a catholic?" Someone asked me.

"I was born and raised in one of those countries", I replied

"Do you mind the music?", he asked 

"Well", I paused, "I love Marilyn Manson", I continued

"Where are you from?" said the man

"I believe in God", I said curtly, "Just not the one everyone claims to believe in"

"Hmm, you must be happy then"

"Why is that?"

"You are in one of the most atheistic countries in the whole world", he fired back

"Hmm, I am happy here, people seem somewhat spiritual and engulfed into the fires of vice and decadence".

I stood up and walked towards the toilets. I had been rude, yet again. I didn't care. Not anymore. 

I pushed the doors open and walked into the men's room. Full graffiti and a delicate scent of lemon. I started to piss and I was at peace.  

Hrms Etc

11.12.13

Beer At The Gay Bar

"One beer, please", I said while looking around, trying to adjust my sight to the dim light and the laser beams cutting the air with a brilliant display of slickness.

"5 euro", said the bartender, a 30-something man wearing nothing but leather and sporting a hairy chest. I reached for the money into my bag and handed him some coins. "Keep the change", I replied.

I grabbed a stool and sat down. I sat strategically facing the dance floor. After all, it was my first time in a gay venue in Amsterdam, and I was going to enjoy it.

Everything was so different than what I was used to. The people. The tourists, the streets and the rain. I took a sip on the cold beer I had just bought and continued to satisfy my sight with the people sweating to the rhythm of house music.

My companion disappeared as soon as we walked into Church. I was not looking for him. he was looking for something I did not desired. I just wanted out from whatever life I had been leading until then. I was there to enjoy the view and that was what I was doing. The scene was everything that I had seen in the movies. But, this time I was there.

I continued to drink my beer. I was too high to do more things at the same time. After having washed the dryness of my mouth down with a sip of cold beer I continued to look at the characters in the club. Eye contact was something so easy to achieve in here, unlike in the Czech Republic. 

I was high, and I was working my way into drunkenness. The lights, the music and the people there made the whole experience so enjoyable. People danced and moved in such a classy way. Their style was totally different. 

"One more beer, please", I said. The scruffy bartender, dancing to the beat of  International Love, began pouring beer into two pint glasses. Soon, he put both on the bar and claimed his 5 euro. 

"Oh, I just wanted one glass".

"Happy hour, two drinks for the price of one", he replied.

So there I was, with two pints of beer. Sitting and enjoying the show, when my friend, out of nowhere grabs me by the arm and tells me: "Let's check upstairs", so I give him my extra glass of beer and we move into the crowd.

I'm Afraid Of Americans began to play. The lurking eyes of people in the center of this volcano sought to interact with mine. I followed obediently. The lead of my companion jumped from pushing our way out of the multitude to walk in a kind of dance like crawl. 

My friend was good. And he knew it. Soon, all the attention was directed at this little act he had gotten me into. And I wanted to piss.

The beer and whatever else i had ingested that night had worked their way out of me. And we kept on moving. Like the newest freak in the circus. Not that I didn't enjoy it. I did. I tried my best to follow the snake like movements of Glev. I was never a good dancer, but sometimes my ungodly movements would attract some attention.

We were near the toilets. Out of the sexy mob behind. I saw darkness in the restroom. So I kept on following Glev. 

On the right you could see the stainless steal stair case. 

Glev stopped and turned around.

"This is the best part of Amsterdam", he said, "well, for me it's a ride", he concluded. He pulled me up the stairs and in less time that it could have taken for me to count the steps up, we were there.

It didn't take long for Glev to disappear, as he always did. He was also often late, but just in time for a big entrance. The laser lights radiated and got caught inside the drops of sweat from the crowd below, reflecting their beauty all across the night.

Instinctively, I followed the sounds that were familiar to me only to find Glev being finger-fucked by a man wearing a blue latex glove. "Fuck", I thought, "I need to fucking piss."

Glev was riding some kind of leatherish headless horse, with the right index finger of some guy in his insides. I headed down to the toilets. I the knew I had to piss, but the lack of light of that place kind of scared me.

Once inside, I realized that no one was there. 

"What a pity", I thought.

Hrms Etc

27.06.13

The Sound Of Pissing II

"The following is an unreleased interview for Empire Magazine"

Prague, Spring of 2013

One of our reporters managed to get a hold of the infamous artist Hrms Etc, as his fans call him. 

We are sitting in the hotel suite of one of Prague's most expensive hotels. Hrms Etc has asked the hotel staff to decorate his room with several screens, blocking the over-decorated walls and making this room darker and colder. Different things are playing on each screen. We recognize 'House of 1000 Corpses', and 'The Exorcist'. Straight porn, gay porn and nudity on other screens. Alejandro Jodorowsky's "El Topo", is what catches out attention. A series of unnatural shots put together in such a appalling way. A master piece of the spaghetti westerns.

Hrms Etc is sipping on red wine. He is staring at the screens showing nudity. 

We clear our throats and proceed with the long awaited interview.

Empire: How's the wine?

Hrms Etc: Quite good. The fact is that I didn't have to pay for it. So it is better and stronger for that reason. I like red wine. I like it when I feel romantic. I like it when I feel like getting wasted. I like red wine.

E: That's good. So, we wanna thank you for this interview.

H: No, thank you for coming all the way down to my hotel in such a terrible weather.

It is pouring cats and dogs outside

E: So tell us, What kind of food could you do without?

H: Hmm, I think I could do without many different kinds of food. For instance, I think I couldn't care less if i stopped eating broccoli.

E:What's your favorite song at the moment?

H: Teenage Nosferatu Pussy. It has a funny dark side to it and I just can't stop listening to this one.

E: What's your favorite vegetable?

H: I don't have any favorite one

E: What's your favorite part of your body?

H: My dick

E: Is there any movie character that resembles your mother or your father?

H: Well, I think "The Shinning", and I would be the little kid repeating RedRum 32 times.

E: What do you think when you are pissing in the men's room?

H: Strangely enough, I like to think that someone is watching me piss. Call it a fantasy. Call it what you want. Sometimes I think that guys in the men's room enjoy the situation and look at other guys' dicks. Women are lesbians by nature. Men like to look at dicks pissing, I think. At least I do. And I know some other men who would agree with me. I do not know whether they just like to stare.Or if they like to compare size and girth. I like counting so sometimes I think I come up with the strangest games. In my head I have to count things. So sometimes when I am in the men's room I like to count how many cocks I get to see. But most of the times I only see mine. That's arousing.

E: What was the last nightmare you had?

H: I was in a mall and everybody was shopping.

E: What do you think of the Boston Bombing?

H: I think Americans are so good at media manipulation so they make this single act of violence into a huge world wide thing that has nothing to do with more important things that are going on right now. But please compare this with the thousands of people American troops have killed in Iraq or Afghanistan. Boston is nothing compared to what they have done in those two countries. But I feel sorry for the guy who lost his legs and his dick.

E: Is there any fantasy that you haven't fulfilled?

H: Yeah, some.

E: Coffee, black or with milk?

H: Milk

E: Favorite celebrity?

H: The Artist

E: Cocaine or E?

H: Neither

E: Thank you very much for your time

H: Thank you for yours

Courtesy of EM

19.4.2013

How To Use A Toilet (Explicit Version)

He would go to work every morning. Always on time. Always wore freshly ironed clothes with the right amount of cologne, not to draw too much attention but to leave a trail of sweetness in the air as he walked by. Every morning he would wake up to the 6:30 alarm clock. Like a Brit always on time. Exact and elegant.

His day would start up with him walking into the shower and for precisely 9 minutes, he would wash his body. The first thing was to get the water to the right temperature and then he would let it rinse him from head to toes. A gentle squeeze to the shampoo bottle to have just about enough to wash his grey short hair.

He would continue then with the shower gel. Always a different scent. For he had pretty much all the different available types of shower gel available in the market. He would scrub each inch of his aging body and he would do it in circles as instructed by his dermatologist.

After ironing his white Oxford shirt and putting his Bedford jacket on he would step into the kitchen to fix himself something to drink before hitting the street like any other normal day. A freshly brewed cup of coffee would get him started. Ready for yet another day at the office. He was calm and never said much.

One would notice his arrival to the office. He was always a very polite kind of man. A true gentleman.

"Good Morning everyone", he would say

"Hello, Dick", the secretary would reply.

"How was your romantic evening with your husband"

"Uneventful, he went on to explain to me the benefits of eating meat"

"Oh, he still doesn't understand that you will continue with your vegan food, huh?

"No, he refuses to understand that meat is murder"

"Well, have you prepared anything vegan for him yet?"

"He won't eat anything healthy, he is all about meat and potatoes, his breath reeks of death"

"Oh, And how's everything else?"

"Terrible, his cock won't get hard"

"Oh my"

"It is terrible. All I want is to have a baby so that I can have an excuse not to work in this shitty place"

"Yeah that is a good reason"

"But, Dick, what can I do for him to stop eating dead animals, and for his cock to work?

"Have you guys tried going to the doctor?"

"Yeah, I go there every week to have my colon cleaned, but he won't go with me. Only my mother understands the importance of having a clean and healthy colon"

The morning coffee would have already kicked in at this point of the conversation. Luckily for Dick, the age and caffeine didn't mix well anymore.

"Excuse me, I have to use the men's room", he said

"Oh, sure go ahead", the secretary said with a smile and a confusing wink.

This time, Dick was calm. He did not stare at the mirror. And  he did not cry and tremble as he would every time he had to use the toilet before proceeding with his manly business in the toilet. He went straight to the urinals and took a leak. After all the urine had gone down the drain, he moved back to the sink where he washed his hands, taking enough soap to create enough foam to get rid of all bacteria efficiently. Two paper towels would do the trick of wiping his hands dry. 

As he left the men's room that day and made his way back into his office, he thought about his plants at home and how lovely they all looked from outside his window. All placed strategically on the inner ledge of the window to have just about the right amount of light and shadow.

"Oh my gosh", an annoying loud voice came out from the main office, "don't you ...", bam, Dick closed the door behind him.

"Excuse me, I did not hear you", said Dick in his usual friendly way

"I said: Oh my gosh, don't you have a toilet in your flat?", replied his boss

"I do not follow", answered Dick

"Don't you have a fucking toilet in your flat?", shouted the female dressed in clothes that looked somewhat dirty as if she had slept with them on all night.

"Why do you always have to go to the office toilet every morning", she went on, "it is not possible that you do not have a toilet in your flat, for god's sake", she said.

"Right. About the toilet, I wanted to show you something. It is vital that you do something about this. You cannot let our clients see this. It is really strange. Won't you come with me?, Dick asked.

"Fuck, what now?, last week it was Meredith's menstruation's blood all over the ladies room. What now?. I bet you left a nasty and stinky floater. Fuck, Dick, can't you use a toilet correctly, flush the goddamn toilet. Why are you so fucking dumb?. I am surrounded by incompetent and ugly people. Look at me I am so fucking important. I run this office. Look at my legs, they are perfect. Men ask my for my phone number when I walk through the park. I am more beautiful that this vegan cunt behind the reception desk. Fuck, why am I surrounded by all you fucktards."

She stood up from the desk in the dark office where she pretended to work every day. She walked towards reception and signaled Dick with her right hand to go on and show her whatever he wanted her to see.

"Show me now, I do not have your time to be fucking around", she roared.

"This way", said Dick. "It is the strangest thing I have ever seen. You have to do something about it. It is disturbing, it makes me cry everyday." he said while leading the way into the toilets. The female followed mumbling something to herself. 

Once they were in the men's room, Dick pointed at one of the toilet cabins. She went in frowning in her usual way. Trying to look for whatever Dick had told her was there. She sniffed and moved her body as if she was a snake. Dick stood closely behind her. 

"What is it, Dick?", she said. "I do not see anything strange", she went on.

"Right there, next to the base, can 't you see it?", he replied.

Dick's boss bent over, and it was then when Dick jumped her, grabbing her by the neck and pushing her ugly face into the toilet bowl. She kicked and threw punches at the air. Dick was bigger and stronger than her.

"I do have a toilet in my flat", said Dick while using all his strength to keep his boss's face under the toilet water. "And no, you are not beautiful, you piece of shit, you are nothing but a terrible person", whispered Dick.

The woman kept on struggling. All in vain. 

"I will now be able to work in peace", Dick thought. "Everyone will be happier when you are gone, bitch."

There was water all over the floor. Dick grabbed his boss's head, lifted it and crushed it against the white toilet edge. Soon, all the struggle stopped. And blood started to gush as if it had been wanting to escape its vessel for quite some time now. Dick, an all English man, didn't want to make a mess, so he moved the head directing the blood right into the toilet bowl. Soon, he knew that she was dead and the world would be a better place.

Hermes Coldwell

21.3.13

(Dedicated to R.T)