Midnight Mishap

I woke up. Eyes blurry, mouth dry, feet cold, and an extreme urge to piss. My feet were colder than usual. My eyes were blurrier than normal. There was something off about this all. Maybe I was dreaming. "Yes, it must be one of those weird dreams I often have", I thought.

Placebo's Autoluminescent played in the back of my head.

"I am blinding

I am white heat

I am heaven-sent

I was a nightmare

But I'm not gonna go there

Again"

And for a verse, for a quick instant, I tricked myself into believing I was asleep. Sweet little lies we tell the kids so they fall asleep. To our friends, so they don't ache. To our dying mothers, that tomorrow everything will be alright. Oh, sweet little white lies. If only they were true. If only everything would be fine tomorrow. If only the heartache would die with a beer and tequila. If only the monsters under our beds would let us dream away the shadows of the night.

Brian Molko continued whispering:

"Into the black hole

The house of no contest

Make mine a meteor

Rise me above the rest

I'm soaring through outer space

There is no better place

To be"

I rubbed my eyes with my semi-numb hands to see if they could focus. If I was in dreamland, I wanted to see where I was. Would I see my mom this time? Perhaps, my cat Pelucha would be sitting by my feet looking up. I rubbed my eyes again. Nothing. It was all darkness. Just pitch back. Where the fuck was I this time?

I stopped rubbing my eyes as this was obviously not working. My feet were freezing now. The empty coldness was not only eating out my feet but, was extending to all the other parts of my body, my legs, hands, nose, and heart. This wasn't your normal dream or nightmare. This was something else. This was perhaps, reality?

I moved my hands around trying to feel my way around this place I was in. I soon touched a wall. Or was it a door? "Where am I? Fuck, Am I awake?" I went to bed. I was in bed. I was out with friends. I drank, they left, I had two more pints of beer and, called an Uber. I got home and went straight to bed. I must be dreaming. I should be in bed. 

I soon found a light switch on the wall in front of me. I pushed it and the light hurt more than any hangover has ever hurt. I was outside my apartment. In the middle of the night. Wearing just a T-shirt. No underwear, because I read many years ago that it is not healthy for men to sleep with boxers or trunks as they do not let the balls rest after spending all day locked up in a fabric prison. So since I can remember, I have always slept just with a T-shirt and no trunks. Fuck, and I needed to take a piss!

What was I doing outside my apartment in the middle of the night? No keys, no phone. no one to ask for help! And a full bladder did not help. I had to do something to empty it so that I could continue to think of a solution to my very unfortunate situation.

I decided to go out of the building and baptize the flowerbed of the Slovak neighbor who took over all of the tenants' garden lots. He was a 30-something Slovak guy who lived on the first floor and was on paternity leave. His wife sported the same haircut as he. I often mistook the wife for the guy until I realized the one holding the baby was the husband. I never crossed more than a good morning or a good evening with either of them. 

I opened the door to the street and immediately realized that if I went out I would be half naked and locked out of the building in the middle of the night. I looked for something to keep the door from closing. I didn't need to make things worse just cuz I had to piss. I was already in one hell of a situation. I didn't need to make things even more surreal. What was I going to tell everyone in the morning? I didn't even know what time it was. I guess I wanted to urinate and I woke up and walked to the toilet, and by mistake opened the wrong door, which is strategically located opposite the entrance door. who designed this fucking apartment. I had a big complaint.

I found a cardboard box my neighbors use for the junk mail. "This might work out", I thought. I grabbed the box and placed it so that the door wouldn't close behind me. I did all this from the inside of the building. Once I saw It would hold the door open, I slowly pulled the door open and slid through the opening not applying any force to the door to cause it to slam it shut behind me while taking a leak.

Once outside, I didn't need to take my cock out of my pants as I was not wearing any. It was a freeing experience given the situation. I had never had the opportunity of pissing on someone's flowerbed out in the open, even if it was deep into the night. God knows what time it was. And I wasn't ready to ask either. All I could think about was if anyone had spiked up my drink, or if I had become a sleepwalker.

Before I was finished, I saw people coming my way. Probably going home to their bed after a night out in the pub with their friends. Shit!, I need to finish now, otherwise, they will see me half-ass naked pissing on this Slovak guy's flowerbed, this is something I do not want people to know about, at least not firsthand. it's always better when you tell people a story and add certain humor to it so that it becomes less disgusting or real. 

Placebo kept on playing somewhere and it was not in my head and I could relate to their lyrics:

"Into the darkness

I gave away myself

Slipped on the spiral stairs

Tumbling down the well

I fell on a soft spot

I'm white heat, I'm white hot

Again

Again..."

I ran inside without even shaking it. I didn't want the situation I was in to worsen. I wanted this nightmare to end and to wake up in my bed. With my cats. To make things even more grim my better half was in the mountains skiing, hundreds of kilometers away from me. And my cats never mastered the skill of door opening on command. Wasted time owning cats and never teaching them useful tricks.

To make the story short, I ran back inside and decided to knock at my neighbor's door. Hoping they would open. And they did. After a short introduction to the problem, my neighbor invited me into his flat. gave me a fresh pair of boxers, water, and a chair to sit on. He began calling locksmiths to see who would pick up the tab. After an hour of trying and getting to know each other, one guy replied and said he would arrive in 30 minutes. 

We talked about our childhoods, and how it was for me coming to his country. I had never had such a long conversation in Czech with anyone as I did with him. His wife was in their bedroom with their infant boy trying to sleep while I spoke Czech and sipped on water and hoped a locksmith would answer and come and help me get home. I was sitting 4 meters away from my own home. It was terrible I couldn't just go home and sleep this off.

We continued talking about our lives and why I had ended up in his country. If I had suffered any type of discrimination, and If I like their food. Our jobs, hobbies, and musical preferences. The locksmith arrived. He took out a strange device and opened my apartment's door in less than 3 seconds.

I walked in, walked towards my bedroom, picked up my phone, and headed to the door to pay the guy for his service. I thanked my new friend and neighbor for the help and closed the door behind me. This time I made sure I closed the door standing on the right side of it. Praying to the Lord above to never happen to me ever again. At least, I had peed and could go back to bed to live until the next morning and hope nobody other than those living across from me would ever know.

Hrms Etc

11.6.24

Midnight Pissing

 It was yet again another sleepless night. And all I wanted was to drown the time in booze. It was better than just counting the minutes away. Anything was better than just letting time slip by. And that included drinking.

I never considered myself an alcoholic. Or addicted to the nectar of the gods. Even though I constantly thought of having a drink. But instead, had chosen cigarettes over anything else. From the point of view of convenience, cigarettes reigned divine. You could easily find a nice shaded spot and light one cancer stick and get rid of all the stress and anxiety for 32 more minutes. Convenient and quick. It only took about 5 minutes of my busy day. And I was ready for more of what life had in store for me.

I was never a neurotic person, at least not in public. I had gained experience on certain techniques to deal with that part of my personality when I was around others. Yes, I had become excellent at hiding that personality trait from others. I mean, from time to time, it was quite obvious that the situation called for me to act nervously, somewhat of a fusspot. And that was ok too. I didn't mind it at all. After all, I had realized that people will judge you anyway.

I moved away from my bed and headed to the kitchen. Put a jacket on and opened the door to the balcony and shut the door behind me. I lit a smoke and reached for a nice chilled bottle of beer that I had placed there to get them naturally cold. It was a common practice in the cold days of winter and autumn where I lived. That and potato salad. But I guess you could do without a fridge during these times too. So basically, I just used my balcony when I wanted to smoke, cool beer down, and grow tomatoes in the spring and summer.

It was a Saturday, well into midnight. I opened the beer with help of my lighter. The bottle cap flew out of the window and fell on the neighbor's garden downstairs. "Shit", I thought, this is the last thing I need, another notice posted everywhere on the building scolding an unknown culprit of littering the poor neighbor's garden with cigarette butts, bottle caps, and other shit. But, oh well, I didn't really mean for the cap to pop off in the wrong direction now, did I?

I began puffing my Blue Camel's delight and took sips of beer. I puffed again and again. I was a bag of nerves. I didn't know why or what was going on. So I gulped down on my pilsner and lit another smoke. I was clearly having a nervous breakdown. Was it because the sleep deprivation was kicking in? Was it the fact that I had to stay in isolation for the next 5 days? Was it the fact that I didn't have any friends and my act had caught on me?

I felt an incredible urge to piss. Was it the beer? Was it the cold? Was it the fact that in a normal night, my bladder would wake me up at around this time to release all the liquids I had ingested before attempting in vain to fall asleep?

I gently put out my cigarette. I didn't want to damage it in case I wanted to light it up again later. I put the empty beer bottle on the floor and moved into the kitchen. I closed the door behind me and walk towards the toilet. I didn't have to unzip my pants. I loved the freedom that only my pajamas could provide. I took my dick out and began pissing. 

Pissing is one of the greatest feelings we have the pleasure to experience in this life. And, I realized then that all the anxiety and stress I had experienced earlier, all went away. 

"I am cured", I thought while shaking my penis to get rid of the excess urine. I felt a tremendous relief. And with that a strong need to go back to bed and finally sleep.

Hrms Etc

5.2.2022

Monsters

 I was somewhat cynical. And rejoiced in the fact that I never went with the flow. No matter what others would say, I would always question them. Sometimes to their discomfort. Until they found a way to neutralize my ways. They began calling me a conspiracy theorist. Title that I enjoyed. Until the day that they began dismissing me based on the title I thought I had proudly earned. 

They were smart. And I underestimated them. I never thought that they would outsmart me and enjoy it They had become me, in a twisted way.

No matter what the current event was our topic of discussion, they would find a way to castigate me. I had fallen down the rabbit hole and I couldn't get out of there, at least not without my integrity damaged and sore.

Even the most trivial talk would end up with me being scarified as the holy lamb. My opinions didn't matter anymore. They would dismiss me almost instantly. And they enjoyed it. I didn't know what to do. What to say or do. It didn't matter. I was their sacrificial lamb, their favorite scapegoat and they had come to like it. 

Until that day. When I had had enough. We were at our local pub. And the news dictated our conversation. A young politician was now being blamed for taking advantage of his young female followers. They saw his profile on Tinder and they were shocked when he asked them for nudes. Then years later, they anonymously called him out on twitter. 

"Spineless scumbag bitches" , I said

"Well, from his position of power, he shouldn't have done that", one murmured.

"Fuck that shit", I said, "and you are supposed to exchange book reviews over that sex app?", I fired.

"He is a powerful dude, he used his position to lure the gals", my friend said, "they froze because he is a politician"

I laughed out loud and said: "You're mature enough to go on such an app and then you make false anonymous accusations on twitter because someone asked you for a tit pic?, that's ridiculous.

My smartass friends were waiting for me to be fired up to shoot me. They had gained some skill. They would bring something juicy up. Then they would let me dissect the issue and then they would try their best to discredit me by calling me a fanatic, a liar and a cheat.

The beer had been abundant and my bladder was more than full.

I had had enough of my friends attacks and attempts to shut me up. So I stood up and without any announcement, i headed to the toilet.

The way to the urinals was darker than normal. But I knew the way.

I had walked the same way for many nights before. I knew the way like the back of my hand. 

I rushed, as the piss wanted out and I wasn't going to give my friends the pleasure of me pissing my pants.

My friends, yeah right, what a bunch of assholes. I loved them.

I pushed the door open and walked into the toilet. The place was empty and you could hear the running water of each other the three urinals on the right. 

Nobody was there. My favorite setting as I had a shy bladder. Ran to the urinal on the far left and unzipped my pants. Took my dick out and began pissing the many beers I had drank earlier. It was orgasmic, and anyone who has ever pissed can tell you how good it feels to piss after a lot of drinks. 

Out of nowhere, this super tall hairy guy appeared next to me and in a condescending way look down on me.

He said: "Your friends are real pricks", and with a diabolical smile released a river of pee. 

"Yes", I replied. 

"Wouldn't you like them to stop bullying you?"

"Well, of course, but that's the way they have grown to be", I said.

"Would you like them to stop right now?", the tall hairy figure asked me.

"Well, yeah" I replied, "what's your name, I like you. You're kinda cool", I said

"I am Mephisto", he replied.

That was the last time I saw my friends.

Hrms Coldwell

12.6.2021

Pissing

It was Friday afternoon. The typical end-of-the-week time when people get ready to kill the stress and drown the voids in their soul with cheap tequila and BMW shots. Yes, another Friday afternoon to kill the time away and feel like we have become more than what our fathers said we would.

A day in which who you have grown to become doesn't really matter. As you carefully select the crowd you want to hang out with and the place that will serve as a background to your faceless selfies and to your faceless selves.

Goddamned Fridays, I hated them. I hated my friends. They lied, The were fake. But on Fridays I am ready to just get wasted. So I don't really care who I am with. 

I am the one who puts together the parties. The one who organizes the binge. The one who calls and twits everyone not to miss the drowning.

The drowning, that's what I call our Fridays together. The drowning has been happening since I arrived in this city. Almost 9 years ago. That's quite a lot of drowning and pretend. But it's Friday and no one cares. 

I am the master DJ, the king of the booze and the prince of self mutilation and black humor jokes. Like a Hollywood voice over, I always enjoyed saying what the others were thinking. Until last Friday, when I discovered one of them had been pretending to be my friend just to get close to me.

Just to see if my good life could rub off on her.

It felt like a knife carving its way into my heart. Like a check with insufficient funds. It hurt a lot.

"Hey",out of nowhere she said to me, "wanna go somewhere more private?", she asked.

"Sure", I replied, "I just need to go to the men's room. You piss the shit out of me."

Dick Pound

15.5.2015

If I Could, I Would Hover While He's Making Love To You

I always had a handsome and very well-endowed cock, In Junior High, whenever us boys had our wielding workshop hour, and the ranging hormones would make the teen aged guys show off their cocks, and their masturbation techniques, I was king.

I do not know if it was genetics. I was taller than my father. I had relatively smaller feet than the rest. But my cock was huge and porn-like shaped. They all admired it. But to me, it was a big problem, all puns intended. To fit in the skinny jeans that were in at the time made it impossible for me to sit normally. But I indeed liked the bulge in my crotch. Nicely shaped and apparently, both boys and girls enjoying looking at it.

I had never had any problem with my penis. On the contrary, it had always been an advantage all throughout my life. Until the day I went to visit my best friend in Berlin.

I arrived in Berlin. It was my first time in Europe. I had some friends in the capital of Germany and I was in town for a few days visiting them. 

I felt sexy in Berlin. I thought I fit right in. The streets and buildings were all very different. The people weren't as I had always imagined Germans. They were relaxed and somewhat friendly. The autumn leaves were everywhere on the ground padding my every step towards sex, drugs and rock music.

I lit a blue camel up and puffed while I headed down Eisenbahnstraße.

I entered the Black Bar. The only thing that wasn't black were the golden bird cages decorating the tables. Rammstein echoed in the blackness if this place.

"Der Jüngling steigt den Berg mit Qual

Die Aussicht ist ihm sehr egal

Hat das Röslein nur im Sinn

Bringt es seiner Liebsten hin"

My friends were sitting at the very back of the bar. They drank beer and smoked the same brand of cigarettes like me. No wonder why I had chosen them to be my friends. They had been there in my darkest hours. And they had always liked me and I think they also liked to secretly look at my bulge. I didn't mind.

We drank and caught up with our lives after years of not having seen each other. We drank beer and 

Jägermeister chasers. We drank White Russians and talked about how different our lives had become. You see, after High School, the world changes your. You do things that set you apart from the rest and sometimes you cannot related to the people anymore. But not us. We talked about fucking, drinking and drugs,

We were a successful bunch that distance could not keep apart. 

We talked about going to a sex club after midnight. We talked about a bar that has a needle dispenser for junkies. And we smoked weed.

I asked my friends about the local costumes and about the food. Sausages and Sour Kraut. Beer and Berlin. Too much drinking had led me to have a full bladder ready to leave my body.

So I headed to the men's room. To my surprise, there was only one bathroom. 

A unisex bathroom, that's cool, I thought.

The walls were black, the sink was black and even the toilet was black. But there was no urinal.

So I unzipped my jeans and walked towards the toilet seat only to find a sign. There were no words written, only a stick man pissing standing up crossed out. 

When in Rome, do as the Romans do, I thought. So I sat and tried to piss sitting down.

What an ordeal. My cock, being porn-like big did not fit inside the toilet with me sitting down.

I thought of how horrible it would be for me to catch some disease in my cock for having touched the bowl with my dick.

Fuck, I said.

I stood up and pissed standing.

What was a guy with a big cock like me supposed to do while taking a leak in a Berlin toilet? 

Hrms Etc

30.11.2014

My First Night In Toronto

I woke up. Face pressed against the white tiles of a Torontonian restroom. My head hurt like a motherfucker. All I could move where my eyelids and my eyeballs. My breathing was out of sync with my heart beat.

Fuck, I thought, where am I?

"Won't someone listen

Nobody gets in

My body's a temple

But nothing is simple

Silence is golden

I have been broken

Something was stolen

Safe in my own skin"

Silence is Golden by Garbage echoed in my head, I had been in the Government. Everything was coming back.

Vodka and Orange Juice. Yeah I had been drinking that all night, that was for sure. I could smell it on me. It was clear now that I had too much to drink and I was now paying for all my sins.

The sun shone through the windows. It must have been around 10 am. 

I could smell puke. Yes, it was puke. A mix of hot dogs, vodka, orange juice and cigarettes. I focused my sight on the floor. I wanted to see why my faced was being pressed against my own will. Fucking gravity. I hated gravity so much right now.

I had been standing by the bar of the famous club in Toronto when tons of people began chatting me up, Soon, the rounds of Sex on the Beach had become more than plenty. And I had to escape somewhere less crowded. 

I soon felt something fantastic that can only be understood if you have ever done it. The sun on my skin. I gathered all my strength and turned around. Moving my face out of the puddle of puke was something I should have done earlier. However, the rays of sun light felt so good on my naked body.

Wait, I was naked. How did that come to happen? I wondered.

I was resting on my back. Soon the urge to piss came along. I didn't know where I was and the alcohol in my system wanted out.

I let it all out. And with a sigh came a bang on the toilet's door. 

Hey, you have to wake up, I need to take a dump so badly.

The voice on the other side commanded me to vacate this room and let life go on. But, how could I when I was pissing all over the place.

Hrms Coldwell

24.10.2014

The Sound Of Pissing II

"The following is an unreleased interview for Empire Magazine"

Prague, Spring of 2013

One of our reporters managed to get a hold of the infamous artist Hrms Etc, as his fans call him. 

We are sitting in the hotel suite of one of Prague's most expensive hotels. Hrms Etc has asked the hotel staff to decorate his room with several screens, blocking the over-decorated walls and making this room darker and colder. Different things are playing on each screen. We recognize 'House of 1000 Corpses', and 'The Exorcist'. Straight porn, gay porn and nudity on other screens. Alejandro Jodorowsky's "El Topo", is what catches out attention. A series of unnatural shots put together in such a appalling way. A master piece of the spaghetti westerns.

Hrms Etc is sipping on red wine. He is staring at the screens showing nudity. 

We clear our throats and proceed with the long awaited interview.

Empire: How's the wine?

Hrms Etc: Quite good. The fact is that I didn't have to pay for it. So it is better and stronger for that reason. I like red wine. I like it when I feel romantic. I like it when I feel like getting wasted. I like red wine.

E: That's good. So, we wanna thank you for this interview.

H: No, thank you for coming all the way down to my hotel in such a terrible weather.

It is pouring cats and dogs outside

E: So tell us, What kind of food could you do without?

H: Hmm, I think I could do without many different kinds of food. For instance, I think I couldn't care less if i stopped eating broccoli.

E:What's your favorite song at the moment?

H: Teenage Nosferatu Pussy. It has a funny dark side to it and I just can't stop listening to this one.

E: What's your favorite vegetable?

H: I don't have any favorite one

E: What's your favorite part of your body?

H: My dick

E: Is there any movie character that resembles your mother or your father?

H: Well, I think "The Shinning", and I would be the little kid repeating RedRum 32 times.

E: What do you think when you are pissing in the men's room?

H: Strangely enough, I like to think that someone is watching me piss. Call it a fantasy. Call it what you want. Sometimes I think that guys in the men's room enjoy the situation and look at other guys' dicks. Women are lesbians by nature. Men like to look at dicks pissing, I think. At least I do. And I know some other men who would agree with me. I do not know whether they just like to stare.Or if they like to compare size and girth. I like counting so sometimes I think I come up with the strangest games. In my head I have to count things. So sometimes when I am in the men's room I like to count how many cocks I get to see. But most of the times I only see mine. That's arousing.

E: What was the last nightmare you had?

H: I was in a mall and everybody was shopping.

E: What do you think of the Boston Bombing?

H: I think Americans are so good at media manipulation so they make this single act of violence into a huge world wide thing that has nothing to do with more important things that are going on right now. But please compare this with the thousands of people American troops have killed in Iraq or Afghanistan. Boston is nothing compared to what they have done in those two countries. But I feel sorry for the guy who lost his legs and his dick.

E: Is there any fantasy that you haven't fulfilled?

H: Yeah, some.

E: Coffee, black or with milk?

H: Milk

E: Favorite celebrity?

H: The Artist

E: Cocaine or E?

H: Neither

E: Thank you very much for your time

H: Thank you for yours

Courtesy of EM

19.4.2013

How To Use A Toilet (Explicit Version)

He would go to work every morning. Always on time. Always wore freshly ironed clothes with the right amount of cologne, not to draw too much attention but to leave a trail of sweetness in the air as he walked by. Every morning he would wake up to the 6:30 alarm clock. Like a Brit always on time. Exact and elegant.

His day would start up with him walking into the shower and for precisely 9 minutes, he would wash his body. The first thing was to get the water to the right temperature and then he would let it rinse him from head to toes. A gentle squeeze to the shampoo bottle to have just about enough to wash his grey short hair.

He would continue then with the shower gel. Always a different scent. For he had pretty much all the different available types of shower gel available in the market. He would scrub each inch of his aging body and he would do it in circles as instructed by his dermatologist.

After ironing his white Oxford shirt and putting his Bedford jacket on he would step into the kitchen to fix himself something to drink before hitting the street like any other normal day. A freshly brewed cup of coffee would get him started. Ready for yet another day at the office. He was calm and never said much.

One would notice his arrival to the office. He was always a very polite kind of man. A true gentleman.

"Good Morning everyone", he would say

"Hello, Dick", the secretary would reply.

"How was your romantic evening with your husband"

"Uneventful, he went on to explain to me the benefits of eating meat"

"Oh, he still doesn't understand that you will continue with your vegan food, huh?

"No, he refuses to understand that meat is murder"

"Well, have you prepared anything vegan for him yet?"

"He won't eat anything healthy, he is all about meat and potatoes, his breath reeks of death"

"Oh, And how's everything else?"

"Terrible, his cock won't get hard"

"Oh my"

"It is terrible. All I want is to have a baby so that I can have an excuse not to work in this shitty place"

"Yeah that is a good reason"

"But, Dick, what can I do for him to stop eating dead animals, and for his cock to work?

"Have you guys tried going to the doctor?"

"Yeah, I go there every week to have my colon cleaned, but he won't go with me. Only my mother understands the importance of having a clean and healthy colon"

The morning coffee would have already kicked in at this point of the conversation. Luckily for Dick, the age and caffeine didn't mix well anymore.

"Excuse me, I have to use the men's room", he said

"Oh, sure go ahead", the secretary said with a smile and a confusing wink.

This time, Dick was calm. He did not stare at the mirror. And  he did not cry and tremble as he would every time he had to use the toilet before proceeding with his manly business in the toilet. He went straight to the urinals and took a leak. After all the urine had gone down the drain, he moved back to the sink where he washed his hands, taking enough soap to create enough foam to get rid of all bacteria efficiently. Two paper towels would do the trick of wiping his hands dry. 

As he left the men's room that day and made his way back into his office, he thought about his plants at home and how lovely they all looked from outside his window. All placed strategically on the inner ledge of the window to have just about the right amount of light and shadow.

"Oh my gosh", an annoying loud voice came out from the main office, "don't you ...", bam, Dick closed the door behind him.

"Excuse me, I did not hear you", said Dick in his usual friendly way

"I said: Oh my gosh, don't you have a toilet in your flat?", replied his boss

"I do not follow", answered Dick

"Don't you have a fucking toilet in your flat?", shouted the female dressed in clothes that looked somewhat dirty as if she had slept with them on all night.

"Why do you always have to go to the office toilet every morning", she went on, "it is not possible that you do not have a toilet in your flat, for god's sake", she said.

"Right. About the toilet, I wanted to show you something. It is vital that you do something about this. You cannot let our clients see this. It is really strange. Won't you come with me?, Dick asked.

"Fuck, what now?, last week it was Meredith's menstruation's blood all over the ladies room. What now?. I bet you left a nasty and stinky floater. Fuck, Dick, can't you use a toilet correctly, flush the goddamn toilet. Why are you so fucking dumb?. I am surrounded by incompetent and ugly people. Look at me I am so fucking important. I run this office. Look at my legs, they are perfect. Men ask my for my phone number when I walk through the park. I am more beautiful that this vegan cunt behind the reception desk. Fuck, why am I surrounded by all you fucktards."

She stood up from the desk in the dark office where she pretended to work every day. She walked towards reception and signaled Dick with her right hand to go on and show her whatever he wanted her to see.

"Show me now, I do not have your time to be fucking around", she roared.

"This way", said Dick. "It is the strangest thing I have ever seen. You have to do something about it. It is disturbing, it makes me cry everyday." he said while leading the way into the toilets. The female followed mumbling something to herself. 

Once they were in the men's room, Dick pointed at one of the toilet cabins. She went in frowning in her usual way. Trying to look for whatever Dick had told her was there. She sniffed and moved her body as if she was a snake. Dick stood closely behind her. 

"What is it, Dick?", she said. "I do not see anything strange", she went on.

"Right there, next to the base, can 't you see it?", he replied.

Dick's boss bent over, and it was then when Dick jumped her, grabbing her by the neck and pushing her ugly face into the toilet bowl. She kicked and threw punches at the air. Dick was bigger and stronger than her.

"I do have a toilet in my flat", said Dick while using all his strength to keep his boss's face under the toilet water. "And no, you are not beautiful, you piece of shit, you are nothing but a terrible person", whispered Dick.

The woman kept on struggling. All in vain. 

"I will now be able to work in peace", Dick thought. "Everyone will be happier when you are gone, bitch."

There was water all over the floor. Dick grabbed his boss's head, lifted it and crushed it against the white toilet edge. Soon, all the struggle stopped. And blood started to gush as if it had been wanting to escape its vessel for quite some time now. Dick, an all English man, didn't want to make a mess, so he moved the head directing the blood right into the toilet bowl. Soon, he knew that she was dead and the world would be a better place.

Hermes Coldwell

21.3.13

(Dedicated to R.T)

 

The Sound Of Pissing I

When I was in college, I was always afraid to urinate when girls were around. I was afraid to pee directly into the toilet bowl because I had the feeling that girls judged the size of your cock by the sound of the flow, and I didn't want any kind of judgment going on. So I would always pee on the inside of the bowl and sometimes it would go a little over the edge. But with Melanie, I would take two big empty grapefruit juice bottles, fill them with water and dump them one at a time, very slowly into the toilet bowl. This would go on for five minutes while she was outside, screaming with laughter. [Taken from "College Girls", by Spalding Gray]

10.01.13

Contributed by Villardo Ricalobos