Midnight Mishap

I woke up. Eyes blurry, mouth dry, feet cold, and an extreme urge to piss. My feet were colder than usual. My eyes were blurrier than normal. There was something off about this all. Maybe I was dreaming. "Yes, it must be one of those weird dreams I often have", I thought.

Placebo's Autoluminescent played in the back of my head.

"I am blinding

I am white heat

I am heaven-sent

I was a nightmare

But I'm not gonna go there

Again"

And for a verse, for a quick instant, I tricked myself into believing I was asleep. Sweet little lies we tell the kids so they fall asleep. To our friends, so they don't ache. To our dying mothers, that tomorrow everything will be alright. Oh, sweet little white lies. If only they were true. If only everything would be fine tomorrow. If only the heartache would die with a beer and tequila. If only the monsters under our beds would let us dream away the shadows of the night.

Brian Molko continued whispering:

"Into the black hole

The house of no contest

Make mine a meteor

Rise me above the rest

I'm soaring through outer space

There is no better place

To be"

I rubbed my eyes with my semi-numb hands to see if they could focus. If I was in dreamland, I wanted to see where I was. Would I see my mom this time? Perhaps, my cat Pelucha would be sitting by my feet looking up. I rubbed my eyes again. Nothing. It was all darkness. Just pitch back. Where the fuck was I this time?

I stopped rubbing my eyes as this was obviously not working. My feet were freezing now. The empty coldness was not only eating out my feet but, was extending to all the other parts of my body, my legs, hands, nose, and heart. This wasn't your normal dream or nightmare. This was something else. This was perhaps, reality?

I moved my hands around trying to feel my way around this place I was in. I soon touched a wall. Or was it a door? "Where am I? Fuck, Am I awake?" I went to bed. I was in bed. I was out with friends. I drank, they left, I had two more pints of beer and, called an Uber. I got home and went straight to bed. I must be dreaming. I should be in bed. 

I soon found a light switch on the wall in front of me. I pushed it and the light hurt more than any hangover has ever hurt. I was outside my apartment. In the middle of the night. Wearing just a T-shirt. No underwear, because I read many years ago that it is not healthy for men to sleep with boxers or trunks as they do not let the balls rest after spending all day locked up in a fabric prison. So since I can remember, I have always slept just with a T-shirt and no trunks. Fuck, and I needed to take a piss!

What was I doing outside my apartment in the middle of the night? No keys, no phone. no one to ask for help! And a full bladder did not help. I had to do something to empty it so that I could continue to think of a solution to my very unfortunate situation.

I decided to go out of the building and baptize the flowerbed of the Slovak neighbor who took over all of the tenants' garden lots. He was a 30-something Slovak guy who lived on the first floor and was on paternity leave. His wife sported the same haircut as he. I often mistook the wife for the guy until I realized the one holding the baby was the husband. I never crossed more than a good morning or a good evening with either of them. 

I opened the door to the street and immediately realized that if I went out I would be half naked and locked out of the building in the middle of the night. I looked for something to keep the door from closing. I didn't need to make things worse just cuz I had to piss. I was already in one hell of a situation. I didn't need to make things even more surreal. What was I going to tell everyone in the morning? I didn't even know what time it was. I guess I wanted to urinate and I woke up and walked to the toilet, and by mistake opened the wrong door, which is strategically located opposite the entrance door. who designed this fucking apartment. I had a big complaint.

I found a cardboard box my neighbors use for the junk mail. "This might work out", I thought. I grabbed the box and placed it so that the door wouldn't close behind me. I did all this from the inside of the building. Once I saw It would hold the door open, I slowly pulled the door open and slid through the opening not applying any force to the door to cause it to slam it shut behind me while taking a leak.

Once outside, I didn't need to take my cock out of my pants as I was not wearing any. It was a freeing experience given the situation. I had never had the opportunity of pissing on someone's flowerbed out in the open, even if it was deep into the night. God knows what time it was. And I wasn't ready to ask either. All I could think about was if anyone had spiked up my drink, or if I had become a sleepwalker.

Before I was finished, I saw people coming my way. Probably going home to their bed after a night out in the pub with their friends. Shit!, I need to finish now, otherwise, they will see me half-ass naked pissing on this Slovak guy's flowerbed, this is something I do not want people to know about, at least not firsthand. it's always better when you tell people a story and add certain humor to it so that it becomes less disgusting or real. 

Placebo kept on playing somewhere and it was not in my head and I could relate to their lyrics:

"Into the darkness

I gave away myself

Slipped on the spiral stairs

Tumbling down the well

I fell on a soft spot

I'm white heat, I'm white hot

Again

Again..."

I ran inside without even shaking it. I didn't want the situation I was in to worsen. I wanted this nightmare to end and to wake up in my bed. With my cats. To make things even more grim my better half was in the mountains skiing, hundreds of kilometers away from me. And my cats never mastered the skill of door opening on command. Wasted time owning cats and never teaching them useful tricks.

To make the story short, I ran back inside and decided to knock at my neighbor's door. Hoping they would open. And they did. After a short introduction to the problem, my neighbor invited me into his flat. gave me a fresh pair of boxers, water, and a chair to sit on. He began calling locksmiths to see who would pick up the tab. After an hour of trying and getting to know each other, one guy replied and said he would arrive in 30 minutes. 

We talked about our childhoods, and how it was for me coming to his country. I had never had such a long conversation in Czech with anyone as I did with him. His wife was in their bedroom with their infant boy trying to sleep while I spoke Czech and sipped on water and hoped a locksmith would answer and come and help me get home. I was sitting 4 meters away from my own home. It was terrible I couldn't just go home and sleep this off.

We continued talking about our lives and why I had ended up in his country. If I had suffered any type of discrimination, and If I like their food. Our jobs, hobbies, and musical preferences. The locksmith arrived. He took out a strange device and opened my apartment's door in less than 3 seconds.

I walked in, walked towards my bedroom, picked up my phone, and headed to the door to pay the guy for his service. I thanked my new friend and neighbor for the help and closed the door behind me. This time I made sure I closed the door standing on the right side of it. Praying to the Lord above to never happen to me ever again. At least, I had peed and could go back to bed to live until the next morning and hope nobody other than those living across from me would ever know.

Hrms Etc

11.6.24

Pee Gasm

At this point in my life, I had caught on with all that was in. So, I would regularly watch videos online. 

How to cook Chicken Masala, how to improve the productivity of my employees, and how to grow organic tomatoes using UV lights. Sometimes, I would watch more serious stuff like philosophical debates about masculinity and cleaning one's room. 

Some other times I would watch videos mocking the Woke agenda, and how stupid we all were for jumping on the bandwagon of Cancel Culture. I would occasionally engage with pseudo-SJWs on Twitter. 

These motherfuckers were really annoying. I mean, next to the Woke mob, they were almost alike, if not the same type of scum, but they would use dirty tactics more than the wokes. They would find my other social media accounts and go and discharge large amounts of hate under the pictures of my cats on Instagram. They were spineless fucktards. But, I somehow enjoyed the dopamine shots when my friends came to my rescue and liked my replies, and of course, dislike the vitriolic comments left by these extreme feminist incels who often identified as They/Them/We/Us/TeamUSA.

And of course, I would also watch videos on how to increase the pleasures in life.

So while checking videos about those little pleasures in life, I ran into the "Pee Gasm", intended for women only. "Women only?", I thought. “When you have downward pressure from the bladder on the shaft of the clitoris and there’s a sudden release of this pressure, it can cause those nerves to fire off,” The YouTuber said. “These nerves firing off is what gives women that tingly orgasmic feeling.”

This is so goddamn sexist! I had to find a way to see if this would apply to men too and spread the word. Pissing was not a female-only thing.

So, the next time I had to pee, I was ready for it. I knew the steps of the scientific method by heart. I was ready for this to be a grandiose thing.

Once the bladder is full the experiment is ready to begin. To urinate, your brain signals the sphincters to relax. Then it signals the muscular bladder wall to tighten, squeezing urine through the urethra and out of your bladder.

I had swallowed lots of water, tea, and coffee. I wanted my bladder to fill as fast as possible so that I could begin testing my new hypothesis. This was huge! If I could discover that the Pee Gasm in guys was possible, I would never have to wait to go home to have an orgasm. I could have an orgasm every time I pissed. In the office, at the bar, at the airport, even in church! Fuck fighting with straight people defending the Trans community, just because they thought watching Rupaul's Drag Race and finding it amusing meant they were allies and were entitled to bully people online.

This was fucking great! I could even start my career as a YouTuber and teach other guys how to have Pee Gasms! I was so excited.

The time had finally come. My bladder was full and my brain was telling me I had to go to the toilet and release the golden rain all the liquids I had ingested had turned into. I was more than thrilled to piss. Like never ever before.

I wanted to enjoy every single moment of the experiment. So I sauntered out of my office and into the toilet. I bet I had that confident smirk drawn on my face as I moved towards the toilet. I opened the door and stepped into the little toilet cubicle that was the farthest from the one designed to host people from my office, I wanted total privacy. What if it was really pleasurable and I moaned and screamed? That was something that I wanted to keep to myself, at least for now. Later, I would make a video and put it out on the internet for everyone to try. But for now, it was mine to test drive.

I locked the door behind me. I unzipped my pants. I took my dick out and pointed it directly at the deep end of the toilet bowl. You have to be a man to know what I am talking about. I aimed and waited. I waited until the very last moment. I imagined my favorite song was playing. And I was at the club. The music was loud and the people were enjoying their Friday night. I began vibing as if I could really listen to that song.

I thought how much I liked that feeling of being tipsy and heading to the toilet of the bar, or the disco. And sharing the time and space with other people feeling exactly the same. What a wonderful thing to share in silence. When you don't have to express your feelings but secretly everyone around you is experiencing the same exact thing.

Before I noticed, I was done with my first attempt to feel a Pee Gasm. I loved the fact that I was able to travel away from the working environment and into the wilderness of a nightclub toilet. And feel the music and see the silence and enjoy the slow-motion from the strobe lights.

My experiment was a success. And I soon forgot about my YouTube dreams and my Twitter wars. All I wanted was to piss. Not only was the physical feeling great, but also I found that the seconds I spend getting rid of the urine, gave me enough time to think about things I had never considered.

I had been sold to the infection. No need for anyone's sympathy. So beautiful and free. 

I had finally found the Life Drive. And I was close to discovering the Death Drive.

Hrms Etc

1.4.2022

Midnight Pissing

 It was yet again another sleepless night. And all I wanted was to drown the time in booze. It was better than just counting the minutes away. Anything was better than just letting time slip by. And that included drinking.

I never considered myself an alcoholic. Or addicted to the nectar of the gods. Even though I constantly thought of having a drink. But instead, had chosen cigarettes over anything else. From the point of view of convenience, cigarettes reigned divine. You could easily find a nice shaded spot and light one cancer stick and get rid of all the stress and anxiety for 32 more minutes. Convenient and quick. It only took about 5 minutes of my busy day. And I was ready for more of what life had in store for me.

I was never a neurotic person, at least not in public. I had gained experience on certain techniques to deal with that part of my personality when I was around others. Yes, I had become excellent at hiding that personality trait from others. I mean, from time to time, it was quite obvious that the situation called for me to act nervously, somewhat of a fusspot. And that was ok too. I didn't mind it at all. After all, I had realized that people will judge you anyway.

I moved away from my bed and headed to the kitchen. Put a jacket on and opened the door to the balcony and shut the door behind me. I lit a smoke and reached for a nice chilled bottle of beer that I had placed there to get them naturally cold. It was a common practice in the cold days of winter and autumn where I lived. That and potato salad. But I guess you could do without a fridge during these times too. So basically, I just used my balcony when I wanted to smoke, cool beer down, and grow tomatoes in the spring and summer.

It was a Saturday, well into midnight. I opened the beer with help of my lighter. The bottle cap flew out of the window and fell on the neighbor's garden downstairs. "Shit", I thought, this is the last thing I need, another notice posted everywhere on the building scolding an unknown culprit of littering the poor neighbor's garden with cigarette butts, bottle caps, and other shit. But, oh well, I didn't really mean for the cap to pop off in the wrong direction now, did I?

I began puffing my Blue Camel's delight and took sips of beer. I puffed again and again. I was a bag of nerves. I didn't know why or what was going on. So I gulped down on my pilsner and lit another smoke. I was clearly having a nervous breakdown. Was it because the sleep deprivation was kicking in? Was it the fact that I had to stay in isolation for the next 5 days? Was it the fact that I didn't have any friends and my act had caught on me?

I felt an incredible urge to piss. Was it the beer? Was it the cold? Was it the fact that in a normal night, my bladder would wake me up at around this time to release all the liquids I had ingested before attempting in vain to fall asleep?

I gently put out my cigarette. I didn't want to damage it in case I wanted to light it up again later. I put the empty beer bottle on the floor and moved into the kitchen. I closed the door behind me and walk towards the toilet. I didn't have to unzip my pants. I loved the freedom that only my pajamas could provide. I took my dick out and began pissing. 

Pissing is one of the greatest feelings we have the pleasure to experience in this life. And, I realized then that all the anxiety and stress I had experienced earlier, all went away. 

"I am cured", I thought while shaking my penis to get rid of the excess urine. I felt a tremendous relief. And with that a strong need to go back to bed and finally sleep.

Hrms Etc

5.2.2022

Monsters

 I was somewhat cynical. And rejoiced in the fact that I never went with the flow. No matter what others would say, I would always question them. Sometimes to their discomfort. Until they found a way to neutralize my ways. They began calling me a conspiracy theorist. Title that I enjoyed. Until the day that they began dismissing me based on the title I thought I had proudly earned. 

They were smart. And I underestimated them. I never thought that they would outsmart me and enjoy it They had become me, in a twisted way.

No matter what the current event was our topic of discussion, they would find a way to castigate me. I had fallen down the rabbit hole and I couldn't get out of there, at least not without my integrity damaged and sore.

Even the most trivial talk would end up with me being scarified as the holy lamb. My opinions didn't matter anymore. They would dismiss me almost instantly. And they enjoyed it. I didn't know what to do. What to say or do. It didn't matter. I was their sacrificial lamb, their favorite scapegoat and they had come to like it. 

Until that day. When I had had enough. We were at our local pub. And the news dictated our conversation. A young politician was now being blamed for taking advantage of his young female followers. They saw his profile on Tinder and they were shocked when he asked them for nudes. Then years later, they anonymously called him out on twitter. 

"Spineless scumbag bitches" , I said

"Well, from his position of power, he shouldn't have done that", one murmured.

"Fuck that shit", I said, "and you are supposed to exchange book reviews over that sex app?", I fired.

"He is a powerful dude, he used his position to lure the gals", my friend said, "they froze because he is a politician"

I laughed out loud and said: "You're mature enough to go on such an app and then you make false anonymous accusations on twitter because someone asked you for a tit pic?, that's ridiculous.

My smartass friends were waiting for me to be fired up to shoot me. They had gained some skill. They would bring something juicy up. Then they would let me dissect the issue and then they would try their best to discredit me by calling me a fanatic, a liar and a cheat.

The beer had been abundant and my bladder was more than full.

I had had enough of my friends attacks and attempts to shut me up. So I stood up and without any announcement, i headed to the toilet.

The way to the urinals was darker than normal. But I knew the way.

I had walked the same way for many nights before. I knew the way like the back of my hand. 

I rushed, as the piss wanted out and I wasn't going to give my friends the pleasure of me pissing my pants.

My friends, yeah right, what a bunch of assholes. I loved them.

I pushed the door open and walked into the toilet. The place was empty and you could hear the running water of each other the three urinals on the right. 

Nobody was there. My favorite setting as I had a shy bladder. Ran to the urinal on the far left and unzipped my pants. Took my dick out and began pissing the many beers I had drank earlier. It was orgasmic, and anyone who has ever pissed can tell you how good it feels to piss after a lot of drinks. 

Out of nowhere, this super tall hairy guy appeared next to me and in a condescending way look down on me.

He said: "Your friends are real pricks", and with a diabolical smile released a river of pee. 

"Yes", I replied. 

"Wouldn't you like them to stop bullying you?"

"Well, of course, but that's the way they have grown to be", I said.

"Would you like them to stop right now?", the tall hairy figure asked me.

"Well, yeah" I replied, "what's your name, I like you. You're kinda cool", I said

"I am Mephisto", he replied.

That was the last time I saw my friends.

Hrms Coldwell

12.6.2021

The Sounds Of Pissing III

It had been months since I could have a good night sleep. I used to fall asleep as soon as my head hit the soft goose feathered pillow. But something changed that night. I would stare blank at the white ceilings. With heavy eyes and sore thoughts the nights would roll out.

All I wanted was to fucking fall asleep. I didn't care if I had nightmares or if I just slumber for a while.

I had tried it all. I ran as fast as I could to get my body as tired as possible. I had tried masturbating. I had smoked joints. Nothing seemed to keep me from being awake. I was slowly rotting inside. I could feel death calmly creeping underneath my bed as I laid still.

Was it the secrets? Was it the rain outside? Was it the full on booze nights I spent trying to black out?

I kept drowning in a sea of empty thoughts and eternal seconds. I was so empty.

Time passed and the bodily urge of pissing reminded me that I was awake. 

Like a glitch in my system I hypnic jerked out of bed.

I rushed to the toilet. My dull self crawled in a lackadaisical fashion.

Once in the white room, I lowered my pajamas pants, and took my member out.

I leaned against the wall trying to make the whole situation bearable. Silence was golden. Suddenly I began pissing. And the pleasure reminded me that being awake was a blessing nobody really cherished. At least not me until that very moment. 

I was more conscious than most people I knew. And I was able to enjoy, in the precarious of my situation, a mundane act.

"And I hope I can live another day", I thought.

Hermes Coldwell

11.12.2018  

A Pissing Nightmare

It was December 31st. Everyone was ready to party and ready to leave the year 2017 behind. It had been a year that took so much away from us. Not only had a bunch of people committed suicide, but the year's political and social events had taken a toll on everyone, including me.

I was already sipping on my second vodka with peach juice. There was something about this juice that reminded me of home, my long time forsaken home. The sugar and added chemicals of this particular brand of beverage always reminded me of my years in high school. I guess I was happy to have found this particular drink, to mix with the Russian vodka leftovers from one of the summer parties we had had.

Everyone was grouped already, and several things were being discussed. Politics, music, and generally shit. I was trying to find the right moment for me to laugh, giggle, of sigh. it was like I was looking for a cue of sort of to interact in a natural way, just to make it till midnight, or until everyone was drunk and possibly high to stop pretending to be the way they all wanted or expected me to be.

I remember looking at my phone, just to see the time. To see if my predictions on when would the people around me would become tipsy or even drunk. Just to see how much longer I would have to be there.

My glass was suddenly empty. I moved like a shadow into the kitchen and refilled my tall glass with the potato distillate of the land of the Czars and the saccharine solution we all called juice back home. I didn't even need ice cubes. My drink was perfectly chilled and ready to be gulped down. It didn't really matter. I would pissed it eventually. And I would power walk the carbohydrates left in my system not to gain more weight. Yes, I had began walking a couple of months ago, and I had began seeing the results. At least, I would sleep better, without acid reflux. A good night sleep was what I had secretly longed for already many years.

I went back to my assumed position in the party. My group was still talking about things I didn't understand, or secretly didn't want to.

"So, we heard you didn't have any friends", someone fired away

"Uh, I do have friends", I said

"Good", a girl standing to my right said

"I have friends, they just don't live here" I continued, "they are scattered all over the world, one lives in Germany, another one lives in Rio and there is one in Mexico, so I do have friends, they are my best friends, we just don't see each other as often as we would like"

"Why don't you have friends here?". A guy mumbled across from where I was standing

"It is difficult to connect with people with whom I don't share anything in common with", I said

"That sounds a bit weird, don't you think?", another girl asked me

"It does, I guess, but when you have decided to live things ahead of what you are supposed to, it makes perfect sense. You lose proximity with the rest of the people, but gain a stronger bond with those, who like me, have chosen their own path in life, rather than following what is expected from them, socially".

I was having a conversation with the people in the group of party goers. It wasn't a very productive talk, I gathered. However, I was interacting. But after so many Vodka drinks, my bladder was totally full and I needed to relieve it from such burden.

I sneaked away from the living room and headed towards the toilet.

As I opened the door, I found myself in a huge room, which was barely lit and had lots of gigantic mirrors above the sinks. Around the place where one is supposed to wash after doing their business  —or like me, before actually doing anything, because to be honest, I do not remember all the places where my hands have been— there were the urinals and cabins. 

All the cabins were in a pretty deplorable state. There walls, all sported punch holes, and some of them were falling apart.

I tried to find one with the best cover, as I am a very shy individual and at least when pissing, I like my privacy.

Once I did, I began to unzip my pants. 

But for some reason, lots of guys came into the toilets and began searching for a place where to get rid of all their alcoholic urine. So in question of seconds, before I had even start, a guy was pounding on the door of the cabin I was in, shouting: "hey, come one, I need to piss".

I saw how the other cabins on the right and on the left became occupied and I could see the guys staring at me while they pissed their beer and their liquors. I couldn't even start. I was a shy motherfucker trapped inside a toilet cabin, being watched and being expected to finish pissing real soon.

"What a nightmare", I thought to myself.

Hermes Coldwell

31.12.2017

Holy Shit!

It had been 3 years since my best friend disappeared. The last time I saw him was in Alterna, a bar near my flat which served as meeting point for students from the local university and other entities such as me and my friends.

We went there every weekend, not only because it was cheap, but because their playlist sounded as it had been created by me, or as if they had cloned my iPod and were playing all what we loved night after night.

It had been 3 years since my best friend had vanished. The last time we were together we drank beer and whiskey sours. We smoked camel blues and puffed on weed on occasion. We had been planning a trip out of the big city as we needed to get away from the stress and the monotony of the every day life we had become slaves to.

I am Terrified by IAMX began playing on the sound system. Chris Corner sang:

I am terrified, I think too much

I get emotional when I drink too much

I buy every cry, 'cause I don't trust

I am terrified, I think too much

We continued to plan. 

Our master plan began to take form. It made sense, we had to do it, the stress was killing us. I was a little bit stronger than he ever was, yet, that night, I felt as if we were in sync and we were meant to do this.  

Two more shots of Jack arrived at our table and we swallowed them without mercy.

I have to pee, he said

Yeah, I replied

And Hermes went to the toilet. And I sat there, waiting and staring at my phone waiting for someone to ring, text or something.

I'm so empty

You're all I'm thinking about, about

Oh oh, about, about

Oh oh oh, about, about

Oh oh oh, about, about

I'm so empty sang Shirley Manson, She sang until her voice faded away and her next streaming single hit the sound system.

I sat there and sipped on my beer. I played candy crush and liked some shitty pictures on Instagram. I even endorsed some shitty abilities of people on LinkedIn.

I sat there for some time. A new beer soon appeared on  my table. Shirley Manson has stopped singing long ago. And there I had drunk a lot of beer. So I decided to hit the toilets and release the pressure. 

I stood up and tried my best to walk straight. I didn't want people to know that I was feeling tipsy and that I couldn't handle my alcohol. I made it to the entrance door. Then I continued to the toilets.

I pushed the door open and walked in. I looked around and the place was empty. Nobody was there. All the doors to the toilet were open. I was all alone in there. 

I couldn't hold it any longer so I jumped to the urinals and unzipped my pants.

And as I was doing my business I saw it.

On the wall mosaic. A pink square. Amid the rest of them all. And I remembered Hermes saying that the one pink square had been calling him out.

I finished pissing. I shook my penis. My friend was gone.

Coldwell

8.6.2016